My Story, My WHY!

A few years ago, I was struggling with body dismorphia and anorexia with a few bouts of bulimia and binge eating. (I know, I know... Another young girl with eating disorders!) But for me, it was my life. I was so afraid to be "too fat" or "ugly" because there were some people in my life that made me feel like I was just not good enough. It started out with a lot of working out and I told myself that I was eating healthier and less because it was better for me. I convinced myself that I was being "healthy." 

I began losing weight quickly and one of my friends told me that the tragedy of a break up I went through was suiting me because, even though I was starving myself, I was looking great. I was at my "goal weight"of 120lbs. I fit so well in a dress I wore to an event with some friends! I felt great. (A bit dizzy, but thin.)

         Well after that my mind and body was addicted to "healthy" fitness and food. I was cutting my calories to 300-500 calories a day! (This is real life! I have a journal where I wrote all of this down to track it each day!) There was even a month where I only ate every other day and only 400 calories on those days. 

         Even though people were telling me I was getting too thin and I looked unhealthy, I ignored it. In pictures or in mirrors, my arms looked fat, legs were jiggly, etc. But that wasn't the case. I got down to 103 lbs and said to myself, "Oh my gosh! I am finally almost below 100 lbs." Thats when I realized I had a problem. I am 5'7" and should never be that tiny! 

          It took me almost 2 years to recognize it, but even then I struggled to make myself eat. Food actually SCARED me. I knew the calorie content of everything you could imagine! (I even once made a list of things that start with the letter "C" because they were all unhealthy... Cookies, cakes... Etc and swore those items off my "acceptable foods" list.) I was taking diet pills and "holistically" trying to lose weight. I was taking almost 30 pills a day to help "boost my metabolism" and cure my energy issues, fix the "real reason" I was too "fat," etc. Can you imagine taking that many pills per day? 

                Now, I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous to most people. I mean, how tough is it to want to eat more. Most people struggle with eating less. For whatever reason, I told myself that I just had to keep going with it because I just wasn’t going to be good enough until I was “perfect.” 

                To be honest, I never was “good enough” for those people that were in my life then and I never have been because, although I never knew it, I was TOO good for them.

                But in all of this, I had supportive friends and family that helped me see that I was sick and that I needed help. My boyfriend at the time, someone who has always been very important to me and will always be, helped me get out of this terrible place in my life. I know I wasn’t always good to him even though he did so much for me. I know that he could have left me a million times for a trillion different reasons, but he never did. He stuck by me and he saved me from myself. He helped me to see that I was worth MORE than I thought. You know what he did that helped me the most? (This is actually pretty funny when I think about it now..) He would come home almost EVERY night with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, in all the flavors that I just couldn’t resist before this all happened to me. When he started doing this, at first, I just yelled at him and told him that he should know better than to bring that stuff into the house because I just couldn’t eat it and quite frankly, it scared me! OH THE CALORIES! But when he would go to bed at night, and I would stay up watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix, I would sneak into the kitchen, grab the pint and eat the WHOLE THING!! That was about 1250 calories or more in one sitting! I justified it for a while by waking up early to run a couple miles and then hitting the gym late at night. Then I started into the bulimia and the binge eating. But eventually, my body and mind got with the program! (Thanks!)

                When this whole journey, if you will, began I was 135 lbs (healthy range BMI for my height and age.) When it ended I was 103lbs (very unhealthy BMI.) However, someone that goes through this never fully lets go of the emotional and physical damage that was done. My mind still, to this day, goes back to counting calories and feeling guilty when I eat a full meal. I have discovered Shakeology and all of it’s health benefits. I drink one everyday and it helps control my tendency to binge eat and my tendency to restrict my calories. My battle with food has ended and now I have a healthy relationship with food. Now, I know how to rationalize with myself and tell myself that I am worth more than that! I can consume 1200 calories in a day and not have to work out for 3 hours to compensate or feel guilty. 

                I am now a VERY healthy mother to a beautiful baby boy. I am planning my wedding for next year! And I am living life on MY terms!  I am a Beachbody Coach now! I get to help coach people to live healthier, happier lives EVERYDAY! How much better does it get? I know that all of this has happened to me for a reason and I know that the reason was to give me experience and confidence to be what I was meant to be and do what I was always meant to do. 

                Eating disorders are REAL and they effect many people of all walks of life EVERY single day. It is not something to laugh about and it certainly is not something to just brush off. If you are struggling with eating disorders, I advise you find a GOOD therapist and confide in those that care for you and love you. I couldn’t have made it to where I am today without all of the people that saw me killing myself and knew that they had to step in. They know who they are… thank you! And thank YOU for reading my story. If you connected with this story or just enjoyed the read, please SHARE! 

This was before I started losing my mind in eating disorders. 

And this was when I was about 108 lbs. 

And here I am NOW. Healthy and happy.